apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
