omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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