I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
