so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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