if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
