i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am midnight drunk by noon
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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