Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
