shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Randomize
