Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
