Who wears a wallet chain?!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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