Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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