I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
