I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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