Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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