TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
