I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
