Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
