i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
