dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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