Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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