Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
