I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
