ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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