We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
