$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
