The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
