I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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