he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
