i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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