so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
