Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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