Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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