Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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