nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ππ
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize
