I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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