The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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