i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
