I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
