Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
