So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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