He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Randomize
