you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
