You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
