We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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