He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
