Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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