the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
