You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize