I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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