i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
