My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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