I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There r osticjed everywhere
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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