I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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