My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
