shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
