I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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