Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
