he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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