when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I stole a fireplace last night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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