so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
